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Somebody Feed James Cameron's Wife. Seriously.

59650706James Cameron with his wife Suzy Amis on the red carpet before the Oscars

Maybe I’m just getting too old and cynical for the Oscars. Heh. When you see Joan Collins out every night, you do start to wonder – what the sam hell is going on? This post will be briefer than the last as, well, baby is hungover. Yes, I know. AGAIN. There does seem something so wrong about Oscar week in LA. The abundant narcissism and back slapping is fricking hilarious (“Good Job! That movie you made was awesome! Forget curing cancer – you are the best person alive! Especially because you are so rich and pretty!”).

So last night I ended up tweeting the Oscars for Cablevision (note: Parent company of Sundance Channel) and… well, I’ve never tweeted live before and it was fun as hell. Especially because I got to say things like “SOMEBODY FEED JAMES CAMERON’s WIFE!” Seriously, her bones were scaring me, or “Charlize Theron looks like she’s being molested by her dress.” Who pays so many stylists to tell all their clients the obvious statement everyone has, “Nude and neutral dresses are so IN this year… How about a messy side up-do?… Mermaid-style dress = faaabulous!” No offense, but if I paid someone to make me look glam, and I got onto the carpet and looked just like everyone else, I would be pissed. Not to mention, where was an Alexander McQueen dress? And enough with Marchesa – all those dresses look like a five year old drew them. I get it: Harvey Weinstein owns it, but who cares? He’s broke and an awful person to boot!

So anyhoo. For those who didn’t get invited to Vanity Fair’s viewing party there was one that E!, hosted at the W in West Hollywood. You know, for all you Kim Kardashian and Kendra Wilkinson fans. Heh. Ryan Seacrest and his forehead stopped by afterwards – but most people went to Elton John and InStyle’s event at the Pacific Design Center (home to Rogers & Cowan offices during the day). There, my man Elton hung out at a private table – people who weren’t at his table got to see him on jumbotrons all over the place, and Victoria Beckham flipped her five inch heels when she ran into Katie Price – aka Jordan, a UK “glamour model” (read: trashy ho who poses topless). Although I don’t know why VBecks got so high and mighty about it. She is after all, a surgically enhanced Spice Girl who married a soccer player who sounds like Mike Tyson.

But the highlight for me was Grace Jones,  who I could watch all day with a box of popcorm. Seriously, that bitch is fabulous. She is like the grandmother of Fierce. And just a postscript: Miley Cyrus? Seriously??? I get that the Oscars were on ABC, which owns Disney – but did they have to put all their talentless child stars up on stage? Taylor Lautner? AIiiGH! Miley was dancing away late night at the Elton party – and let’s be honest – her parents should be reported to Childrens Services. Final note to ABC: Kathy Ireland. Seriously? Who did she bang to get that job as a pre-show host and how do I get that person’s number?