Pre-Oscar Parties: A Blur of Vodka, Cigarettes, Lawyers and Space Heaters

Actor Leonardo DiCaprio

When will I learn? Every year I go to LA for the Oscars saying, “I’m not gonna go too crazy…” Right. Because of Mushie (Musharraf) I didn’t get to go to Nicolas Berggruen’s party at the Chateau Marmont – which is a shame. It sounded hilarious. Gerard Butler was there hitting on anything that was an actual woman that moved (what’s new?) while the women only wanted Leonardo DiCaprio. That shit always makes me laugh. It’s like 3 am at a frat party with two targets. And at this point, Gerard Butler is so gross, only the sluttiest of women are into him. It’s been YEARS since 300 and let’s be honest – those years ain’t been good to him (ed. note: Man Boobs!) And Leo? I don’t get it.

So Thursday night I started early. Emily, from my old haunt of Page Six, and I went to the Gagosian Gallery. Not impressed. It was featuring a German photographer who basically blew up Google Earth images and was trying to sell them for zillions. I mean – kudos to him for getting away with it, but my printer is pretty cool too. Elton John was supposed to swing by – Elton’s on a roll this year. He also had a late night party at the Soho House LA. He’s usually not this super social. Trust.

Afterwards, I go to the Tower Bar with my awesome pal Jenine, my sister Emily, my friend Emily, and Jane from the Ministry of Sound. Graydon Carter was having dinner with his old standby, Mitch GlazerJLo was at the next table, Stephen Bing was lurking at the bar, and Denise Hale dropped by. Denise is the old-school San Francisco socialite who had about $50 million in diamonds and sapphires ringing her neck, ears and wrists. I couldn’t stop staring. I’m like a five-year-old when it comes to sparkly things. I almost mugged her in the bathroom. Who knew people like that pooped?

Hung out with Jessica Alba for a second – she came from the Celebrity Domino party. It’s a party where people sit around and look at Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore playing dominoes at the old Trader Vics. Yes, it’s as obnoxious as it sounds. Almost as dumb as the ping pong party I went to at the Mondrian after dinner – where hordes of peeps ogled Jamie Foxx and some hot chicks playing ping pong while others watched Susan Sarandon, in the hopes that she’d make out with her boytoy. Very odd. But I did get to hang out with Morgan Spurlock and Sara Bernstein from HBO. We reminisced about Sundance and Joan Jett. I downed a cocktail or five. You know, the usual.

Then it was off to the PRECIOUS party at the Andaz. People were very excited – Mariah Carey was there. I love ol’ MC. I also love that people still get excited for her presence at a party, although it may have been because of her tight dress. You gotta respect her love of Lycra. That is one loyal lady! Isaiah “I don’t hate gays!” Washington from Gray’s Anatomy was there. Like most actors in LA, you’d be surprised at how not-tall he is. Seriously. Not midget-esque like Tom Cruise, but still. Not tall.

The night ended sometime after that – I’m not going to lie. It’s a blur of vodka, cigarettes, lawyers and space heaters. Thank god Emily drove!