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New Jersey vs. California: Which state is worse for sex?

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Remember when former Miss California Carrie Prejean got famous for (a) getting pageant-funded breast implants and (b) saying “I believe that marriage should be between a man and a woman, no offense to anybody out there”? Well, suddenly No-Offense Prejean is looking like the picture of tolerance (after all, she did also say “I think it’s great that Americans are able to choose one way or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage.”)

Enter Lauren Ashley, who will be representing Beverly Hills in the Miss California pageant this November. She was all like, I’ll see your “marriage is between a man and a woman” and I’ll raise you “punishment by death.” No, seriously. She told Fox News (natch), “In Leviticus it says, ‘If man lies with mankind as he would lie with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death and their blood shall be upon them.’ The Bible is pretty black and white.” In case the Bible wasn’t clear enough for you, she breaks it down: “I feel like God himself created mankind and he loves everyone, and he has the best for everyone,” Ashley told FOX News. “If he says that having sex with someone of your same gender is going to bring death upon you, that’s a pretty stern warning, and he knows more than we do about life.”

Okay, now over to New Jersey, where the cast-mates of “Jersey Shore” went on the show “The View” to discuss, among other heady topics, hot tub sex. A cast consensus was reached that “hot water kills all the sperm” and thus condoms aren’t really necessary. The Situation explained, “It’s really hot water.” Adding, to clarify, “It takes care of business.”

We’re gonna go ahead and give the Biggest Idiot in the Sex Category award to California, though New Jersey gets serious honors. And can we all now please agree that beauty pageants are really really really bad for sex. Not to mention bad for women — and girls — in general. And men. What the hell, let’s go out on a limb here and say that they’re bad for everyone. Not punishment-by-death bad, but we’d consider assigning lengthy community service to anyone involved. Who’s with us?

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