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How not to kiss like a zombie and other helpful kissing tips

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Violet Blue has written about a zillion books on the subject of sex, but finally there’s one you can discuss with your grandmother: Seal It with a Kiss: Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Delivering the Knockout Kiss. Seeing as the national smooch holiday is almost upon us, we thought we’d check in with Violet for some of her best snogging advice.

Em & Lo: Do you think good kissing chemistry is a reliable indicator of good sexual chemistry And is the reverse true, if the kissing is bad, do you think the sex is likely to be bad?

Violet Blue: When we first kiss, it’s often the moment we know — instantly — whether or not we “click” with someone’s chemistry. Our senses are fully engaged, and we’re truly drinking in everything; sight, taste, smell, feel, the sounds, the essence of the person we’re quite literally tasting. There are parts of us taking in and reacting to the person we’re kissing that we’re not even aware of, let alone in control of. It’s exciting! So if we can shut off our brains for a minute and listen to our bodies and intuition, kissing is a very reliable barometer for knowing if it’s going to be hot — or not.

If you want to deliver the first kiss, how can you tell that it’ll be welcome?

Besides asking sweetly? Well if you’re one of the lucky few who “just know” then you are indeed lucky, but if you’re like the rest of us, you’ll want to look for concrete signs and signals. When you’re ready to move in for the kiss, look to the lips to see if they’re clamped together and uninviting, or relaxed and ready for a kiss. See if the other person is unconsciously (or consciously) imitating your body language; mirroring means they’re ready to follow your lead. And check to see if they’re in close physical proximity, closer than ordinary. People who are desiring physical contact will gravitate to you, and place themselves a step closer than would be typical for acquaintances.

So if you’re too shy to deliver the first kiss, does this mean you can use body language to let someone know that a kiss would be welcome?

Yes! Make eye contact for a count of three to five seconds. If you dare, smile at the end of your count. Incline your head close, especially during eye contact. If that doesn’t work, try the eye contact count a second time and glance at their lips, then back to the eyes before smiling and looking away. If they still don’t get the hint, start your eye contact count, smile, and draw more attention to your lips by touching the corner of your mouth for a quick second with your finger. It’s your subliminal way of saying, “Right here, pal.”

What’s your favorite kind of kiss?

Mmmm, wow, what a question. I have so, so many that I enjoy. I love the sleepy morning kiss, soft and sweet with mouths closed and soft lips. I adore sweetheart kisses when in public and one of us is just getting up to get a coffee, a quick and tender “be right back” when you think no one is looking. Nothing in the world can really describe the first kiss when your senses go into overdrive, though I love trying to re-create it over and over with my favorite kissers! However, the versatility of the French kiss is sublime; and it’s incomparably arousing with the right partner.

What’s your favorite first kiss tip or tips?

A first kiss with a bit of flavor: right after nibbling on mint leaves, a delicious roast of coffee, the essence of chocolate, even a hint of whiskey.

What’s your favorite tip to improve kissing?

Practice! And kiss the way you want to be kissed. Also, keep good oral hygiene, practice on the sensitive palm of your (clean) hand to get a sense of sensation, remember to slow down (but don’t hold still; limp kissing is a common problem), don’t forget about the rest of your body, use your hands for affection, and learn to trust yourself to let go and really pour your passion into it once you get going.

What are some of the worst kissing faux-pas?

Ramming the tongue — well, anywhere — and kissing like you’re looking for loose change hidden in someone’s cheek, kissing while too drunk, bad breath, groping, slobbering, making scary animal noises while kissing, just generally chewing on someone’s face… it’s not a zombie movie, it’s a kiss. Oh, and having a crazy kissing humpfest in public. It annoys everyone else and the glamour is all in your head.

What are some overrated kissing gimmicks or novelty moves?

Pretending to present your cheek for a kiss and then turning your head. That’s the WORST! Argh! I’ve had that happen too many times, and it’s just sleazy and gross, and makes us feel like we’ve been duped! Do. Not. Do. This. Ever. But just sneaky surprise kisses in general. They work out great in the movies, but they seldom play out well in real life; it puts your kiss-ee in an awkward position.

And what are some underrated kissing gimmicks or novelty moves?

Asking for a kiss. It seems too obvious, but when they make me laugh, and then smile and say something like “I might deserve/need a kiss after that” it’s just… such a kissable move. And making it seem like a kiss is about to happen and then politely withholding it makes us want it even more (that works both ways). As for gimmicks, cooling down the mouth (with ice or a cool drink) or heating it up (with a hot beverage) right before a kiss can be an unforgettable surprise — in a very good way, that is.

So, do you believe that old song, “If you want to know if he loves you so, it’s in his kiss”? Does a kiss always tell the truth?

As far as love and kissing goes, our bodies might know if our chemistry clicks, but our hearts and brains tend to sing a different tune. You can’t tell if he’s the one, or if his love is true with a kiss; love is so much more than that, of course. But in many ways, kisses cannot tell a lie. You can tell if his feelings change with his kisses. If they aren’t the same (as in perfunctory) you will absolutely know he’s not that into you anymore — though if his kisses pack passion or tenderness with every pucker, even if they’re quick, then I hope you’re ready to break the news to your cat, your best friend, and maybe your momma.

Seal It with a Kiss: Tips, Tricks, and Techniques for Delivering the Knockout Kiss is on sale now wherever books are sold.

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photo by pedrosimoes7