Top 10 sex tapes we REALLY don't want to see

When we read the horrifying news that there’s a John Edwards sex tape out there, we wondered, yet again, when celebrities will realize that the only way to guarantee your sex tape won’t leak is not to make it. But we guess that as long as egotistic, power-drunk celebs continue to think they can get away with cheating on their spouses, they’ll also think they can get away with making private sex tapes. However, we’d like to speak up in defense of all the poor innocent citizens (like, um, us) who will have trouble sleeping tonight, just at the thought that we might someday accidentally click on a link that shows us John Edwards’ O-face. For the love of god, please let us be spared that. In fact, while we’re making our plea, here are the top 10 sex tapes — whether real or imaginary — that we really, really, really don’t want to see.

  1. John Edwards and his kooky toe-ring-wearing mistress Rielle Hunter.
  2. Anything involving Hugh Hefner that was shot in the last four decades. Actually, anything starring Hef, ever.
  3. Any MORE starring Paris Hilton. That was the most joyless sex tape we’ve ever seen.
  4. Puff Daddy. His mid-sex Tweet told us all we need to know.
  5. Brangelina. Because we like to imagine that even THEY look kinda funny when doing it — but they probably don’t, and that would make us sad.
  6. Jay Leno. We bet he cries.
  7. Sarah and Todd Palin. We bet they have really great sex, but if we enjoyed this tape, even for a second, we’d never forgive ourselves.
  8. Gwyneth and Chris Martin from Coldplay. We just imagine a lot of sensual massage.
  9. Victoria Beckham. Much as we’d like to see David Beckham naked, it just isn’t worth the emotional damage we’d suffer by seeing Skeletor naked.
  10. Jon Hamm. Because it would be nothing like seeing a Don Draper sex tape and we couldn’t bear the disappointment.

photo by marcn