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The Wisdom of John Mayer, Tweeted

john_mayer
photo by Patty Keigan

Say what you will about John Mayer’s music — here marks the spot where Lo censored Em’s compliments about “Your Body Is a Wonderland” as a matter of principle – his Tweets are some of the funniest in the biz. (Okay, so he doesn’t have a lot of competition. Britney Spears: “How’s everyone’s 2010 going so far?”) Anyway, love him or hate him — or, most likely, a combination of the two — we thought you’d appreciate some of his Tweet-wisdom (twisdom?) on the topics of love, sex, bodily functions, and other important stuff. Here are a dozen of our favorites from the last month or so — you can follow him yourself at Twitter.com/JohnCMayer:

  1. What 1 area of your body gets touched the least? I’m going to guess sub-scrotal flange, but it could also be knee cleavage.
  2. If you call a girl 62 times and she’s sleeping, does it read in the morning as one missed call or 62? Asking for a friend.
  3. Waitresses of Vegas, be advised: I have no wife, children or endorsements. In other words, I have nothing to offer you.
  4. I wish I could take all you lonely hearts to a movie tonight. Maybe some Chinese food. Nothing crazy. [Tweeted Christmas Eve]
  5. It’s never the part of the karaoke where you’re singing. It’s the long instrumentals/solos that make you feel like a jack’s ass.
  6. I need to get back into the gym. I’m all for having boobs against my chest but not when they’re mine.
  7. This isn’t a gas tank for a sex machine, it’s a beer gut.
  8. My mouth is the Don King of my penis.
  9. Hopping on the tour bus to San Diego. It’s like a Greyhound except you’re not allowed to poop in your seat.
  10. Look, when I’m playing charades and the hint is ‘movie,’ ’4 words,’ I know it’s going to Glen Gary Glen Ross. Don’t act surprised.
  11. You really get to know your pants when you travel.
  12. Note to self: a VHS dub of the 1988 Playboy Playmate Video Calendar is not an actual working calendar. But April looks open.

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