10 worst things to say at your partner's family holiday dinner

photo by Average Jane

  1. Forget charades, let’s debate the Stupak Amendment!
  2. So what made you guys decide not to circumcise your son?
  3. No Brussels sprouts for me, thanks — we’re planning on anal tonight and I don’t want to be gassy.
  4. Hoo-boy, anyone got a box of matches I could borrow for the bathroom?
  5. I think it’s so great that you’re comfortable serving canned cranberry sauce.
  6. Oh, I totally recognize this room from Billy’s first sex tape.
  7. Hey Schnokum-poopie-face, would you pass the salt?
  8. Wait, who am I playing footsie with under the table?
  9. I just read about a study showing that the aroma of pumpkin pie increases blood flow to the penis by 40 percent.
  10. I’d shake hands, but I just masturbated, sorry.