Sqweel: LoveHoney's new oral sex simulator delivers

We’re often asked “If you could invent your own sex toy, what would it do?” And usually we can only think of a wise-ass answer like, “Cuddle, make dinner, and call me when it says it will.” But fortunately for everyone with a clitoris in their life, some people out there are a little more creative. Which is how the Sqweel, the brand spankin’ new oral sex stimulator by U.K.’s LoveHoney, came into being: its inventor won their Design a Sex Toy competition.

The Sqweel was launched this past Monday with all the pomp and hype of a new Apple product — we were sent a free sample in advance only once we were sworn to secrecy, which made us feel kind of like the James Bonds of the sex toy world (but with a better gadget!). And we have to say, despite having a name that sounds like a ride at your local county fair, this toy totally delivers. In excellent news for everyone in the U.S., LoveHoney will also deliver one to you for $71.40 including postage (it will arrive via Fedex in 3-4 days).

So what’s the big deal, you ask? Well, this patent-pending toy is basically a wheel with ten tongues instead of spokes. It rotates endlessly to stimulate your clitoris — just like in cunnilingus except your partner doesn’t get tired and you don’t have to worry whether your partner’s getting bored. Here are some more reasons to love it:

  • Care and cleaning instructions included! (We wish that wasn’t such a novelty in the sex toy biz.)
  • Batteries included!
  • It comes with a one-year guarantee — you can return it for any reason whatsoever, even if you just don’t like it. Which sounds to us like a 100% orgasm guarantee. When’s the last time you bought a product that came with one of those?
  • The tongues don’t really look like tongues, which would be kind of gross. In fact, the entire design is pretty cool.
  • When the lid is on, it just looks like a big tape measure. Yay, discretion!
  • The casing is skin-safe rubber and the tongues are made of non-porous, hypoallergenic silicone.

The only reason we can think of why you might not totally love this toy is if the clitoris in your life likes a bit of a heavier hand (or tongue) — i.e. if a lighter touch sometimes feels a bit too ticklish. But, hey, with an orgasm guarantee like this, what have you got to lose? Talk about reinventing the wheel.