How to have sex with a vampire*
- Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.
- Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.
- Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.
- Remove any cross necklaces.
- Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).
- Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.
- Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.
- Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.
- Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.
- Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.
*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. You should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!