How to have sex with a vampire*

image by King Chimp, from “Nosferatu”

  1. Don’t eat any garlic for at least 72 hours beforehand.
  2. Don’t give blood for at least a month beforehand: you’ll need all your reserves.
  3. Get your blood work done beforehand and make sure you bring condoms: while the undead can’t give you any STDs, infections you might have (especially blood-borne infections) can make for an unpleasant experience for your vampire.
  4. Remove any cross necklaces.
  5. Avoid aggressive French kissing, lest you nick your tongue on their teeth (if you’ve ever bitten your own tongue, you’ll understand how painful this can be).
  6. Request that your biting coincide with an orgasm — the rush of endorphins will help ease any pain, plus your increased heart rate will feel extra nice to your vampire.
  7. Audible moaning to show you’re enjoying this pleasure-pain is always appreciated by a vampire.
  8. Make sure you pack a snack (like a juice box and cookies) to eat immediately afterward to help with any wooziness.
  9. Expect to be kicked out before sun up, and don’t take it personally.
  10. Have a turtleneck or scarf on hand to wear home.

*For those of you one newt’s eye short of a witch’s brew, the above is Halloween fiction and is not intended as actual sex advice. You should not be breaking skin or letting anyone break your skin during sex: gentle hickeys are the best you can hope for. Happy Halloween!