10 things a grown woman should never have

A poster of Robert Doisneau’s “Le baiser de l’hôtel de ville” from Art.com

The Men’s Health article 18 Things a Grown Man Should Never Have made us think we should have dated more Men’s Health readers back in our single days. (“10. A name for his penis. Even if it’s a really clever name. … 13. A futon. Sure, beds are for sleeping. But such a meager, slouchy spread has never, in the history of sex, inspired a woman to say, ‘Take me on your futon.’ … 14. Code words for ugly women. Actually, code words for anything.”) It also got us thinking about the sort of things a grown woman should never have…

  1. A stuffed animal on her bed. We’re not saying you have to donate that mangey bear to the Goodwill store — just store him as discreetly as you would your vibrator. No sex partner wants to share your bed with a blankie. Speaking of vibrators…

  2. A sex toy that contains phthalates or one labeled “for novelty use only.” Woman-up and buy yourself a sex toy that was actually designed with your pleasure in mind.

  3. Pants low enough that her thong peeks out the top. Or, as we like to refer to it, a “plot spoiler.”

  4. A list of all the people she’s slept with. Share your sexual history, yes. But naming names? People, no good can come of this.

  5. A poster of Doisneau’s “The Kiss by the Hotel de Ville” on her wall.

  6. A hang-up about masturbation. Flicking the bean teaches you the pattern of your own sexual response: What you like, what you don’t like, and what you hate more than anything else in the whole wide world. (Here are 15 more good reasons to lose that hang-up.)

  7. A booty call with someone she’d prefer to date. Ladies, in the entire history of casual sex, exactly one booty call has been upgraded to a full-fledged relationship. Odds are, it won’t happen to you. So move on and find someone who wants you for more than your vagina.
  8. Friends who’d compete with her for a guy. Also, any friend who’d blow off ladies’ night for a guy.

  9. Sex with her boss. Sex in the workplace, yes. Sex on your boss’s desk after-hours, yes! Sex with a co-worker, maybe. But sex with the one who signs your paychecks? Never.

  10. A babytalk term for her vagina/vulva. If your crotch welcomes a penis/dildo/tongue on a regular basis, then it is officially no longer a “fufu.”