Top 10 things your mama inadvertently taught you about sex
It’s Mother’s Day this Sunday — don’t forget to call and thank her for all the wonderful advice.
- Always wear clean underwear.
- Trim your fingernails and wash your hands thoroughly and often. (It’ll help you avoid infection and make you less likely to tear delicate internal linings during manual sex.)
- Ladies first.
- Don’t take candy from strangers. (You should know someone well enough to ask about their sexual health history first.)
- Don’t eat candy that’s unwrapped. (It should always have a condom on it.)
- Change your sheets once a week.
- Make sure you get enough fiber in your diet. (Because it’ll help keep things clean and tidy back there, which means you’ll be more comfortable having all of your crotch intimately explored.)
- Don’t forget the golden rule: do unto others as you would have done to you. (Yes, she was talking about oral sex.)
- Clean your room. (Because a tower of dirty laundry in the corner of the bedroom doesn’t put anybody in the mood for sex.)
- You never call. Why don’t you call? If you say you’re going to call, then call.
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