Thanks, But No Thanks

I’m torn.

Looking at the two campaigns, the goals they would pursue, their style of governance and the people they would pick to fill out their cabinet….their behavior in front of a camera….the choice should be obvious, and yet…I don’t know if I can, in good conscience, make the decision that’s best for me.

I blame Barack Obama. He’s just not funny enough.

Sure, he’s funny, but his sense of comic timing and ability to deliver a good one-liner works against him here. I need a politician I can laugh at, not with. The starry-eyed newcomer running on Hope makes a tempting target for my inner cynic, but in the end, it’s like hitting a nun with a cream pie; the initial look on the face is gratifying, but you feel bad afterwards. It’s not that he didn’t try to throw me a bone. Joe Biden is good for a gaffe or two a week while he’s on the campaign trail. The hair plugs and teeth are good for a few superficial yuks too, but eventually he’d resume the VP’s lower profile, and it’s not like Biden’s the only one on Capitol Hill who’s sporting Astroturf. [] I know Obama’s father was a goat herder, that he dresses like Urkel and holds the quaint belief that there will be money and resources to do anything in Washington after Bush gets done. All funny stuff, but it’s just not enough.

John McCain and Sarah Palin, on the other hand……The irascible senior, the clueless neophyte and their Beltway misadventures; the sitcom practically writes itself:

“Oh no! The president of Spain is due in 15 minutes, and Vice President Palin is still having the Oval Office made witchcraft-proof!”


Comedy gold, I tell ya’.

Obama is just too earnest, too nice…too sane. Making fun of him while he’s cleaning up the steaming, elephantine mess that W left behind would be, at the very least, counterproductive. McCain, however, seems poised to double down on every last one of Bush’s follies, providing an endless source of material. It would be a comedy writer’s dream come true, but one that came at the expense of……well, everything.

The question boils down to my job security vs America’s national security. Decisions, decisions……


Mr. McCain, please don’t think I don’t appreciate your generous offer. I do, I really do. But for the good of the country, if not comedy writers everywhere, your campaign needs to pull an “Anchorwoman.” []

Because that kind of funny just isn’t funny

– Michael Turner