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Smarter Than a Fifth Grader

Tonight’s “must-see TV,” as the San Francisco Chronicle calls it, will feature Sarah Palin in her first appearance on “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” After failing to name a single news source that she reads (pft—a fourth grader question, if you ask me!) or a single Supreme Court case that she disagrees with other than Roe v. Wade, Palin is clearly going into her contest at a disadvantage. And as if a fifth grader wouldn’t already be tough enough competition, turns out the seasoned senator Joe Biden will be filling the Velcro shoes instead.

I know what you’re thinking, that this is totally unfair and un-American, and you’re right. So I guess it’s no surprise when I tell you that the moderator of tonight’s debates is none other than Gwen Ifill, the African-American author of the African-American-themed book, The Breakthrough: Politics and Race in the Age of Obama. That’s right, she’s the same race as half of Obama—need I explain her bias further? Sure one could argue that she is the same gender as all of Palin, but that’s the exact kind of argument you would expect from the radical, Palin-hating left. Luckily, in anticipation of a humiliating loss for Palin in tonight’s debates, many on the right are preemptively blaming Ifill for being racist, Biden for being sexist, and the news media for being ageist. This way, if Palin’s loss makes the Wall St. collapse look like a Clinton-economy boom, we can all be rest-assured that it’s not her fault. You think a fifth grader could come up with that?

–Jamie Wong