Palin Gets Hot on Gay Marriage Ban

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. That’s the complaint of religious conservatives when it comes to protecting America from the scourge of the Gay Agenda (National Hair Care! Ban on Stretch Pants!. Republicans always talk a good game about taking away the rights of gay people, but they never deliver. As with Roe v Wade, many have campaigned promising to do something about the existential threat of homosexuals getting married, only to fail horribly if they ever try at all. With all the hoopla riling up the GOP base over race, shadowy ties to terrorists and ACORNapalooza, I almost thought they’d give the gay-bashing a rest this year.

Sarah Palin to the Rescue! []

Jumping into the debate over amending the U.S. Constitution to ban gay marriage, Sarah Palin is at odds with her own running mate in wanting to restrict the joys of divorce to straight couples only. John McCain, like so many other Republican sweet talkers, says it should be left up to states’ decisions, effectively punting. George W. Bush was another smoothie, twice charming the knickers off of religious conservatives, but dropped the subject after getting elected. But not Palin. She may have gay friends, but she’ll be damned if she’ll let them enjoy the same rights she does, and if she has to add the only Constitutional amendment to take away a right instead of expand it, that’s what she’ll do. The last and only other time someone tried that was Prohibition, and that turned out so well. Just imagine; speakeasies with jaunty gay couples sneaking in with the secret knock, getting gay married at all hours; gay-marrying preachers bootlegging gay-marriage certificates over state lines; backwoods redneck gay couples distilling their own homemade gay marriages. The horror.

In a Palin administration (c’mon, admit it, how long before John starts checking his Metamucil for the aroma of bitter almonds?), Sarah will give the religious conservatives the real satisfaction on the gay marriage ban that all those old guys could never give them, like only a woman can.

They’ll never know it could be so good.

– Michael Turner