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Obama's Family Skeletons

Aarrgggghhh! Murphy’s Law has struck again. Here we are in the home stretch of this historic election, four days from the finish line when every narrative of the last 10 months is reaching a high-pitched whine, and my most crucial research tool is on the fritz. This is seriously vexing.

I’m talking, of course, about my Wingnut 3000 Craze-O-Matic. Really an indispensable device for someone like myself who keeps track of the various nutty rumors and memes that clog the intertubes. I imagine it shorted out from overuse, as this election cycle has brought epic levels of crazy from all corners of the blogosphere. I normally leave it active on my desk, hooked up to my computer. With the exception of the brief periods where John McCain was leading in the polls, it’s been running hot non-stop since Jeremiah Wright. It’s usually quite accurate, better than Google’s blog search, Technorati or even Memorandum for tracking down all the latest bits of rightwing insanity. But this morning I awoke to the faint smell of burning copper, only to find my Wingnut 3000 acting all funny. It was definitely on to something, something BIG, but whatever it was, the stupid was too highly concentrated and overloaded the device. All I can get from the readout is “Obama” and “family.” Bear with me, then, as I do this the old fashioned way.

“Obama” and “family,” huh? Let’s start with what we know. There’s wife Michelle and two daughters, Malia and Natasha. While there’s nothing even remotely controversial about the two little girls, other than they may exceed some states’ legal levels of cuteness, perhaps there’s some bit of new malarkey about Michelle? Alas, a quick search reveals that the long-rumored “whitey” tape [www.noquarterusa.net] continues to not materialize, as does the supposed audio recording of her personally calling some 4th rate “African news” blog based out of Norway and making incendiary comments in broken English, as the transcript clearly shows [africanpress.wordpress.com]. While I highly recommend any Republican readers to literally hold their breath in anticipation of what will surely be the imminent release of these election-shattering tapes, these are old-crazy. Nothing new here. Moving on.

Maybe the Wingnut 3000 is referring to extended family? I recall the story of Obama’s half-brother George [www.telegraph.co.uk], who was supposedly poverty-stricken and living on a dollar a day in some Kenyan shantytown. Why did Obama refuse to help his own flesh and blood? Conservative bloggers trumpeted this revelation as evidence Obama didn’t really really care about the poor if he was unwilling to throw a few scraps to poor brother George. Sadly, George Obama was not nearly as destitute as they’d hoped and the reports of his supposed poverty angered him. The younger Obama was learning to be a mechanic and working with youth groups in his community and did not want any help from his American brother, of whom he was proud [www.cnn.com]. Not exactly earth-shattering stuff. Perhaps disappointed that brother George did not derail Barack’s candidacy, the Citizen Journalist Brigade then hunted down Obama’s aunt, Zeituni Onyango, living modestly and working as a health advocate in the South Boston public housing complex where she lived. Again, Obama’s refusal to give away his own wealth to the rest of his family who neither wanted nor needed it was somehow an indictment of his character, despite the fact that the family members in question seemed insulted by the suggestion that Obama, not particularly wealthy and newly so at that, should provide for them. Aunt Zeituni even made a few small donations to Obama’s campaign. Color me skeptical, but I just don’t get the feeling these are the leads the Wingnut 3000 is trying to point me towards.

But if it’s not his wife, his half-brother or his aunt, what’s left of any relevance? His father? Barack Obama Sr. died years ago and, while perhaps not a model father figure, is hardly in a position to………

Oh……Oh my……Sweet fancy Moses, what have we here? [atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com]

” Obama Jr. has never produced records of his supposed parent’s marriage or divorce most likely because they don’t exist……”

“……Barack Hussein Obama Sr., Tom Mboya, and Philip Ochieng, all share common physical features of the Kenyan Luo tribe: Modest stature under six feet, round faces, small chins, wide set eyes, slanted back foreheads, and retracted hairlines…none of these features are shared by Malcolm X and Barack Hussein Obama Jr…….”

“……The physical mannerisms and speech cadence and tonal quality of Malcolm X have an uncanny resemblance to Barack Hussein Obama Jr…….”

“……Barack Obama at the epicenter of an incestuous stew of American radical leftism. Not only are his connections significant, they practically define who he is. Taken together, they constitute a who’s who of the American radical left……Obama’s associates are all radicals, firmly bedded in the anti-American, communist, socialist, radical leftist mesh.”

“HIS FATHER WOULD BE PROUD”

Ho-lee crap. In an approximately 850,000-word diatribe, John Bolton’s biggest fan and one of America’s Ten Dumbest People, Pam “Atlas Shrugs” Geller, plumbs the depths of her and her readers imaginations to craft a web of intrigue involving every African radical she can think of, throwing in Bill Ayers to boot and comes to the stunning conclusion that Malcolm X is Barack Obama’s father.

No wonder my Wingnut 3000 went kerflooie! I just don’t think it was designed to handle something like that. Oh well. Guess I’m stuck with the regular methods of search, discover and weep for our collective sanity during these last remaining days. These Craze-O-Matics cost a pretty penny to have fixed, so I may just buy the new model. The Wingnut 4000 says it not only finds all the latest crazed rightwing conspiracy theories, but even predicts what the next ones will be.

I gotta get me one of those.

– Michael Turner