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McCain Campaign Issues APB for "Rogue" Palin

The campaign of John McCain, in conjunction with the Republican National Committee, has issued an All Points Bulletin for vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin. Republicans nationwide are alerted to be on the lookout for this rogue politician who is suspected of brutally assaulting John McCain’s presidential aspirations [dyn.politico.com]. Should those aspirations die within the next 8 days, the charges may be upgraded to murder. Suspect is to be considered very heavily armed and dangerous to moose, snow-bound timber wolves and moderate Republicans.

Palin was last seen leaving the Tampa area after blaming the RNC for her recent $150,000 clothing imbroglio [www.nypost.com]. In recent weeks the suspect has repeatedly contradicted her running mate’s stated positions and ignored the advice of the campaign’s handlers by speaking to the press and pushing increasingly absurd attacks on the Democratic candidate that have been more damaging to John McCain than to Barack Obama. While not adverse to bomb-throwing and character assassination, the suspect’s preferred method appears to be poisoning. Several McCain advisers are currently working on the theory that Palin’s interview with Katie Couric injected the campaign with a fatal dose, one the campaign tried to forestall by rolling out the clips over the course of a week, to Palin’s annoyance. But the damage appears to have been done; workers report a toxic atmosphere filled with blame, finger-pointing and pre-criminations that hastened the deteriorating campaign’s condition. Traces of responsibility being accepted were negligible.

The suspect, whose behavior has been compared to that of a “diva” convinced of her own superior wisdom [www.cnn.com], is most likely to be found stumping in historically Republican, or “red”, states. Strenuous campaigning in these areas will have little to no positive effect for John McCain but seems designed to bolster the suspect’s credentials within the GOP base in order to facilitate her own presidential candidacy in 2012. Republican politicians are cautioned that, despite her cute and folksy demeanor, the suspect is perhaps as unprepared for a national campaign as any candidate in history, and close association may result in fatal damage to their own political fortunes. As such, the suspect is to be considered mentally unstable and should not be approached by citizens under any circumstances.

The McCain campaign says they hope to take down the rogue Alaskan by shooting her with tranquilizers fired from a low-flying airplane or, barring the success of that, slipping a mickey into her Jell-O shots.

– Michael Turner