John McCain's Secrets

Listen, do you want to know a secret
Do you promise not to tell, woh, woh, woh
Closer, let me whisper in your ear
Say the words you long to hear

How do we get Osama bin Laden?

John McCain knows. But, apparently, he ain’t tellin’.

In the second presidential debate in Nashville, John McCain repeated a claim he’s made several times before, that he’ll get bin Laden, because he “knows how to do it.”

Really, Mr. McCain? Well, spank me pink and color the rest of me impressed.

Now, do you think you could tell the rest of us? Or, better yet, tell the guy currently holding the job you’re after, who’s in a position to actually do something about it. Y’know, the guy who was warned bin Laden would attack, and then promised to get him “dead or alive” before losing interest and downplaying his role in 9/11? [] That would be helpful.

I was told we couldn’t find bin Laden because life isn’t like the movies, and we have no super powers. So tell us, Mr. McCain, what are yours? X-ray vision? Flight? Spider-sense? Maybe the ability to always tell when someone is lying through their teeth to make themselves look more competent than they are. That would be awesome.

And while you’re at it, maybe you could tell us how to win a war? That’s something else you’ve often told people you know how to do. [] But I’m curious, what experience do you base that assertion on? Vietnam? I’ve heard that one didn’t go so well for you. Or the U.S., for that matter. Bosnia? Kosovo? The first Gulf War? While you’ve clearly shown you know how to support a war, I’m sure you’d agree that the generals plan a war and the troops execute that plan, so the “win” would be theirs, not yours. Maybe you were referring to Iraq and Afghanistan? By any reasonable measure, those would have to be considered “incompletes” at best. Gen. Petraeus doesn’t think we’ve “won” in either country. Do you disagree with Petraeus? Please tell us how we’ve already “won.” I’m sure the country would be keen to hear.

I ask these questions, not out of any desire to play “Gotcha!,” but because, as a New Yorker, Republicans feel the need to remind me the need to “never forget” 9/11, and to chastise me for not supporting a war that had nothing to do with the events of that day and that distracts from our effort in Afghanistan.
This makes me……how shall I say?…….@#$%^&!ing furious.

So please, sir, don’t keep this precious information to yourself, to only be unveiled should you win the presidency.

Put your country first.

Or admit you don’t know what you’re talking about.

– Michael Turner